The importance of morning Coffee to the efficient management of a well-regulated household cannot be overestimated.  If you are a responsible person like I am, one whose first spoken word was “duty”, a person upon whose capable shoulders the success of practically every charitable endeavour in your community rests, then taking time out for morning Coffee is a must.  This is the time for recharging your batteries after breakfast is over, you’ve cleared away the dishes, and given your hubby his goodbye kiss before sending him happily off into the world of work.  Of course I don’t do that anymore myself, as Richard is lucky enough to have been chosen, out of all his department, for early retirement.  These days I send him off for a merry little potter in the garden whilst I have my Coffee.

     Yes, for the thoughtful hostess, mid-morning Coffee serves a two-fold purpose:  not only is it a restorative for yourself after your early morning hectic household duties are done, but it is also a means whereby you may extend your hospitality to your special friends and neighbours in a casual setting where they may relax and feel at home.  Follow my example and you will always be correct:  No matter how large looms the day ahead with ominous social responsibilities, no matter how many urgent calls for aid I may anticipate from my sisters; no matter that Richard cannot find his proper gardening tie without my help, where morning Coffee is concerned, I never neglect my neighbours.  Of course taking time out to speak to my Sheridan when he rings me cannot be considered an interruption of my day – not at all!  I always know when he’s about to ring anyway; we have such a close psychic bond, Sheridan and I.
 

Ordinary Coffee for a Neighbour (with or without tinned biscuits)

I love having my next-door neighbour, Elizabeth, to Coffee.  We often use Coffee for rehearsing my more formal afternoon Teas (See Chapter Five: TEA) to which really important persons are invited.  But in a busy life like mine, timing is all important.  And I know I can always count on Elizabeth to arrive when I tell her to, promptly at 11.47, allowing a margin of error of two minutes either side.  I began inviting Elizabeth toCoffee shortly after we moved to The Avenue, purely as a friendly social gesture, something one naturally does for a neighbour.  But I soon saw how lacking in confidence she is – why the poor girl’s practically all nerves and thumbs!  Of course she can’t help it that she was born clumsy.  She can hardly get through an hour without dropping something.  She’s spilled Coffee on my hand-made Burmese rug more times than I care to count.  Still, I cannot worry about my things where my friend’s welfare is concerned; because it was obvious to me from the beginning the enormous benefit Elizabeth would derive from having morning Coffee with an experienced hostess such as Hyacinth Bucket.  And so that is why I invite her:  to help her regain her social confidence.  Here is my menu forCoffee with Elizabeth (I always like to serve her the same thing as it only agitates her more if I change the menu.)
 
 

Having Coffee “Out”

If your special friends and neighbours are like Elizabeth, they won’t be able to relax properly till they’ve had their morning Coffee with you.  I know Elizabeth does so look forward to our little chats together over Coffee in the morning.  The dear girl would be lost without me to start her day off on the right foot, to say nothing of sitting in the right chair. As I've pointed out,  I always like to face the window.  And though I’ve been facing the window for years, in fact I’ve only recently discovered why it is I like to do it:  “Feng Shui”.  It means having things facing the right way in one’s home.  I read about it in a magazine whilst I was having my hair done.  Apparently, if everything in one’s home faces the right way, it injects harmony into the surroundings.  Of course:  that explains it then.  Another reason why The Bucket Residence exudes that special aura of serenity and charm.  Leave it to the Chinese to think they’ve invented something Hyacinth Bucket has been doing practically since day one!

    But enough of “Feng Shui”.  (Just follow my example, face the window, and your home will be a haven of relaxation like mine is.)  Now.  Back to the matter at hand, which is Having Coffee “Out”.  It’s imperative you know how to do this because there are times – when you’d ordinarily be having your neighbour “in” for a casual morning Coffee -- that duty calls you “out”.  And at such times, you must do as I do:  disregard your own feelings of obligation towards your neighbour, steel yourself, and telephone her to say you won’t be home for Coffee.  If your neighbour is like Elizabeth, she will be devastated.  But it can’t be helped.  You can always invite her to afternoon Tea later on (See Chapter Five: TEA).

     Yes, one must never shirk one’s duty.  But all too frequently at The Bucket Residence, duty calls in the form of a sister, requiring that you drop everything and rush to her aid.  My sister Daisy is a case in point.  Daisy can hardly put a foot forward without calling me for advice.  But then she hasn’t the good fortune to be married to a rock of reliability like I am.  Daisy is married to Onslow, who could be characterised as a rock, I suppose.  He is certainly rock-like in his ability to sink his great bulk of condensed matter down into his chair from noon till night.  And he can be reliably counted on to still be in bed in the mornings, which I must admit is something of a blessing whenever Daisy rings me up to come over and rescue Daddy during what would normally be my morning Coffee hour with Elizabeth.  But having Coffee at my sister Daisy’s is not the sort of Having Coffee “Out” experience I would, as a conscientious Cookery Book Author, recommend to my readers.  Unless you like drinking your Coffee out of cracked mugs.

    There are a few socially acceptable reasons for Having Coffee “Out” and upon the odd occasion when your neighbour, for whatever reason, cannot have Coffee with you, you may like to choose one of them and indulge yourself.  Perhaps your Rolls Royce needs an airing and you've decided, as Richard and I did not too long ago, to go for a little spin in the country. Imagine my surprise when we found ourselves Having Coffee "Out" that day at the same hotel that awful Lydia Hawksworth frequents. She's no 'e' in her surname and therefore is no relation to my dear friend and neighbour Emmet Hawkesworth.  Thank heavens for that!  The day Richard and I met her in passing after enjoying Coffee at a lovely country hotel (one wonders why they let a person of Lydia Hawksworth's calibre in!) was the very same day she took what should have been my own first prize in the Craft Fair flower show.  Everybody knows my freestyle floral arrangements are unparalleled.  One wonders what sort of people judge these things.  They must be the same sort of judge who let people off serious crime!  At any rate, it's all right Having Coffee "Out" in a country hotel if you've a highly polished automobile that looks well in the carpark.  Other reasons for Having Coffee "Out" are when one has important errands “out”; charitable duties to perform “out”; or sufficient time has elapsed since the last time you were seen Having Coffee “Out” such that you need to make that all-important public appearance in the community.  And your town’s upscale Coffee shoppe is as good a place as any to do it.  Once a month is a good rule of thumb for this.  Of course the majority of my readers will not need to trouble themselves with making public appearances, but just in case one or two amongst you serves as the social beacon -- the cause celebre as it were -- for your little town as I do for mine, then you may rest assured you are doing it all properly by following my superlative guidance on this matter.

    Now.  When one has, after careful consideration, made the choice on the side of  Having Coffee “Out”, one always has it, as I have instructed above, at an upscale Coffee shoppe in town.  My husband Richard, who is serving as my amanuensis for my Cookery Book, suggests that I mention to you here that finding the proper Coffee shoppe can be trickier than it sounds.  He is quite correct about this as you frequently find traces of lipstick in places where the public gathers for Having Coffee “Out” and all too often their floral arrangements are false.  Be that as it may, if you are on a stylish errand at your travel agents’, it goes without saying you cannot ask for brochures for the QE2 when no one is there to hear you.  As the social leader in your community, it is your duty to let people know in your own modest way, where and how you shall be spending your holidays.  And the travel agents’ is, of course, the best place to let the word begin to spread.  So, whilst you are waiting for people to arrive who are eager to take on that pleasant task on your behalf, then is the opportune time for making your public appearance at your local upscale Coffee shoppe, thereby killing two birds with one stone as it were.  Efficiency is paramount when you’ve a busy social schedule like mine.  One last word about Having Coffee “Out”:  Always take your husband with you.  Husbands know where to park the car; they are good for holding the door, holding your chair, and paying the bill; and last but not least, they are frequently a fount of information when it comes to knowing about your local Amateur Operatics’ production of “The Boyfriend” and the necessity for you to rush home at once and prepare to take on the leading role!

[N.B.  In an emergency situation like this, it’s all right to skip morning Coffee altogether.]
 

Aromatic Nut-Roasted Special Coffee with Cotswold Cremes (for times when making the right impression is important)

My next door neighbour, Elizabeth, has the most delightful brother!  Emmet.  Emmet Hawkesworth.  Emmet is a classically trained musician and the director of our local Amateur Operatics Society.  Now I shan’t hide behind false modesty here – not where Emmet is concerned.  He’s so shy, poor dear.  And he does have me on rather a high pedestal, it must be said.  But I would be remiss if I did not tell you that the day Emmet moved in with his sister next door (he went through a rather messy divorce and lost his house) was the start of a whole new way of life for him – it was the day he met me!  I shall never forget that auspicious day.  Richard says to tell you, ‘Neither will Emmet.’  Dear Emmet. Yes, his life will never be the same again.  I do fluster him so.  (I’m afraid he’s a little attracted to me!  But as I’ve reassured Richard, he needn’t be jealous because my relationship with Emmet is purely platonic.)  Anyway, I invited Emmet and Elizabeth over to Coffee – I still remember the exact time – 11.47.  They were actually two minutes early – that’s how eager he was!  Of course no sooner had he entered than I sang a little something for him to welcome him to The Bucket Residence – I merrily called it a ‘Café au lait for a Tete a tete’ when I invited him, but of course we have no French habits here. Still, I knew an artistic person like Emmet would understand my “code” – he would know that he was in for a really remarkable morning Coffee.  Richard agrees.

    Richard had finally gone off to work that day (Deputy Head, Department of Finance and General Purposes) when Emmet and Elizabeth arrived for Coffee.  I seated them in my house beautiful look alike lounge.  And I allowed them to view all seven of my albums – holiday snaps of Sheridan.  A brilliant boy, Sheridan!  And very artistic.  Just like his Mummy.  But I digress.  It’s so easy to digress when one thinks of Sheridan.

Here is my menu for the  special Coffee I served Emmet the day we were first introduced.  Try this for those times when making a good impression is all-important:
 
 

It goes without saying that you’ll want to use only the finest, freshest Coffee when you’ve invited someone who has exacting tastes like my good friend and neighbour, Emmet Hawkesworth, director of our local Amateur Operatics Society.  It doesn’t do to serve just ordinary, every day  Coffee  to one of his artistic sensibilities.  And so, when Emmet comes for Coffee, I always serve my Aromatic Nut-Roasted Special Coffee, bought fresh (in bean form) and always from a shop that has the Royal Warrant on.  I wouldn’t dream of serving Emmet  Coffee  without the Royal Warrant on.  Richard grinds my beans for me.  He used to do it before he left for work but thank goodness he’s early retired now and so he has time to grind the  Coffee at that 'peak' moment just prior to brewing.

    There are all kinds of ways of making  Coffee .  But there is only one way that is really socially acceptable and that is the way I do it.  I shall commence instructing you in a moment, but before we start, a tiny word of caution if I may:  Pay attention to the quality of your water!  I ring up my Water Board regularly to make sure they’re piping it in fresh to The Bucket Residence and I strongly recommend that you do the same.

    Next, you must use a quality automatic glass  Coffee  maker.  I shan’t tell you my brand as they’ve declined my offer to endorse my Cookery Book, will receive no free advertising within its pages, and you may therefore use any quality automatic glass  Coffee  maker you like as long as it takes a paper filter that is folded into a conical shape.  Most  Coffee  recipes call for 2 Tablespoons of  Coffee  per ¾ cup of water and you are welcome to use those proportions if you wish; however, it makes for a rather strong brew.  And at The Bucket Residence, we don’t hold with  Coffee  that is too strong.  I'm sure I needn't remind you that this is not France.  Be that as it may, I shall assume that, having availed yourself of a quality automatic glass Coffee  maker, you have also availed yourself of the instructions for making Coffee  that accompanied it.  Follow them.

    Now.  As you only serve your Aromatic Nut-Roasted Special Coffee on special occasions, you should use your best every day china for this purpose.  Your ordinary every day china will be in the dishwasher from Breakfast anyway (See Chapter Two: BREAKFAST); and your really best best china you’ll want to reserve for the highlight of your social entertaining : The Candlelight Supper (See Chapter Six:  THE CANDLELIGHT SUPPER).  You should also provide a little  Coffee  pitcher of cream for those who want it; and a little dish of  Coffee sugar crystals for those who like their  Coffee sweet.  It never dissolves but still, it is the only type of sugar acceptable to use for a really "special occasion" Coffee such as this.

     One might think, after you’ve gone to all the enormous trouble to buy, grind, brew, and serve Aromatic Nut-Roasted Special Coffee with the Royal Warrant on, using your best everyday china and with cream and crystallised sugar, that would be enough.  It isn’t.  Here are my very own special  Cotswold Cremes (adapted from an ancient country recipe) no one who has ever tasted one can ever forget.  My husband loves my Cotswold Cremes, but I'm afraid, being married to me, Richard suffers from an excess of gracious living and my Cotswold Cremes tend to give him gout.  Well, it can't be helped. My Cotswold Cremes are a little heavy on the calories perhaps but life wouldn't be worth living if one couldn't enjoy an occasional treat with one's friends.
 
 
 

COTSWOLD CREMES ‘HYACINTH’

6 Tablespoons chilled butter
1 cup sifted all-purpose flour
2 ½ Tablespoons light cream (from the Cotswolds please!)
some sugar
 

With your pastry blender (I mean your kitchen accoutrement – not your hubby!) or blending fork, cut the chilled butter into the sifted flour till the pieces are the size of small peas (petit pois).  Sprinkle 1 Tablespoon of the Cotswold cream over the dry part and mix – lightly!  Push this to the moistened part at the side of the bowl (You should be using a bowl for this.)  Repeat the last direction till the entire mixture is moistened.  Form it into a ball.  And then divide the ball in half.  Now you have two balls.  (Use your hands for this purpose, please; this is not a grapefruit.)

On a lightly floured work surface, roll each ball (with a rolling pin) to slightly less than 1/8 inch high.  Cut it into rounds with a floured 1 ½ inch biscuit cutter.  Dip one side of each round in sugar.  Place each round, sugar side up, ½ inch apart on an ungreased baking sheet.  With a fork (your ordinary everyday cutlery works well for this) prick each round in 4 parallel rows.  Bake at 375 degrees about 8 minutes or till golden and puffy.  Remove at once to a rack!  Once the biscuit rounds are thoroughly cooled, make little sandwiches of them (two rounds per biscuit) by putting Cotswold Crème Filling between the rounds, always keeping the sugary side "up".

COTSWOLD CRÈME FILLING:  Thoroughly combine ¾ cup sifted confectioner’s sugar, 1 Tablespoon soft butter, 1/8 tsp vanilla (this is for unadventurous cooks; I myself like adding a little plum flavouring with a hint of honeysuckle and a touch of lime but Richard says it is not something to recommend to readers who are just learning to cook like me; I suppose he’s right that it’s safer if you stick with vanilla; it makes for a more boring biscuit but it can’t be helped.  Anyway, as you’re not serving them to Emmet I’m sure you’ll be all right.  Emmet adores my Cotswold Cremes with the plum flavouring and a hint of honeysuckle and a touch of lime but then that’s how he is.)  Add 1 Tablespoon light cream or enough for spreading.

[N.B. You may use any kind of light cream from any part of the world, but you will be not be able to enjoy the occasion without your conscience pricking you if say you are serving Cotswold Cremes and your cream does not, in fact, come from the Cotswolds.]

There you have it –  Coffee  for every occasion!  Whether it is Coffee  “out” or  Coffee  “in”, you may rest assured you now know how to do it the way it should be done.
 
 

Footnote:  Coffee in Emergencies:
If you should need to invite your neighbours in to wait for their garage man and it happens to be time for Coffee, it’s all right to give them ordinary everyday Coffee  like you make for your husband.  And it goes without saying, if Onslow, Daisy, and Rose take a notion to pop in,  Coffee  will be the least of your worries!

p.s.  And furthermore, if you have a sister named Rose and you've been thinking of celebrating one of her frequent engagements by inviting her gentleman friend to your home and surrounding him with  Coffee  and Petit Fours (See Chapter Ten: MOMENTS MISCELLANEOUS AND MUSICAL), I warn you: resist the temptation!  Because he is not the Butterfield with the Quality Car Showroom and Executive Garage whose Forecourt Service is unparalleled but some lower middle class person without a penny to his name and hairy toes besides!

There.  Now we've got you safely through Coffee.  Let's turn the page to Chapter Four: Lunch.