As the Bible says, there is a time for everything under the sun.  And my hectic social calendar certainly bears witness to this.  But in the life of a busy hostess, there is always time for the exclusively stylish formal affair known as The Candlelight Supper. (See Chapter Six: THE CANDLELIGHT SUPPER) And there is just as much time for the carefree and casual dining experience (nonetheless exclusively stylish!) known as The Better-Class Barbecue.  Hyacinth Bucket and by default her special guests, are at home either end of the social spectrum.  Because, over the years, people in our little town have learnt whenever my Postman pops one of my engraved invitations through their letter box, they are in for a remarkable social experience regardless of the degree of formality!  (Richard agrees).  And I am proud to say whether the occasion is "formal", requiring lounge suit and tie or "informal", where one may leave off one’s jacket (unless one is an Onslow and then it’s better if he doesn’t) my guests may rest assured they will always be greeted by a well-laid table and an array of titbits fit for the executive palate.

    Now.  Let us begin our instruction in the art of  The Better-Class Barbecue.  So as not to shock, I shall introduce you to the subject gradually, commencing with the several types of progressively more casual Barbecues that take place “indoors” and leading up to the really casual Barbecue, the one that takes place "outdoors" (someplace creepy crawly free, it goes without saying.)  So.  Are you ready?  Aprons on? Chefs hats at the ready? Have you your outdoor grilling accoutrements laid out in tidy array?  All right then.  Here we go!
 

The Exclusive Outdoors-Indoors Luxury Barbecue with Finger Buffet

Necessity is, as they say, the mother of invention.  And in the case of Hyacinth Bucket's Exclusive Outdoors-Indoors Luxury Barbecue with Finger Buffet, I invented it for my Guest of Honour, C. P. Benedict, the Garden Centre King.  He’s been on the television times too numerous to count and, as he is an intimate friend of my husband Richard who’d only just met him passing the library that very morning, I felt the time had come to introduce "Old C.P." (as Richard likes to call him) to our other friends who, of lesser importance though they may be, always know how to appreciate a Celebrity Guest of Honour. Of course it goes without saying  C. P. Benedict is a far better Celebrity Guest of Honour than that boring old Douglas Chater of Chater’s Building Supplies.  Number 23 had him at their barbecue and, as Richard pointed out at breakfast while enjoying his EXCLUSIVE EUROPEAN HIGH-FIBRE BREAKFAST CEREAL (See Chapter Two: Breakfast). The Douglas Chater is absolutely tasteless!  Of course that’s only as one would expect; after all, he did accept an invitation from that awful Sonia Barker-Finch.  She was a Barker; he was a Finch.  Suddenly they’re hyphenated!  I cannot abide that sort of social snobbery.  People who pretend they’re superior.  It makes it so much harder for those of us who really are.

Here’s the menu for my Exclusive Outdoors-Indoors Luxury Barbecue with Finger Buffet.  You should organise it in your dining room, surrounded by your genuine reproduction Queen Anne furniture with the antique appearance and with a portrait (in oils) of Sir Winston Churchill overlooking the proceedings from up above the mantel.  And don’t forget the plants!  Good heavens no – if you’re to have a Garden Centre King as the centrepiece of your Barbecue, he’ll want surrounding with lots and lots of plants!  And please be sure and include your candelabra.  Both of them. That goes without saying.
 
 

COLD FRIED CHICKEN

Here’s how you make it the Hyacinth way.  Get ready.  You’re in for a treat!  Warning: this is not a suitable dish for persons allergic to salt!

First, cook the dark meat, which takes a bit longer.  Then you can cook the white meat.  This way, it’ll all be done at once  (See Chapter Two: Breakfast ‘Getting it all done at once’)

6 cups nonfat buttermilk
¼ cup plus 5 teaspoons salt
Two 2-3 lb chickens, each cut into 8 pieces for frying
3 cups all purpose flour
1 Tablespoon freshly ground black pepper
1 ½ teaspoons ground cayenne pepper
2 Tablespoons baking powder
2 lbs vegetable shortening
 

Combine the buttermilk and ¼ cup salt in a bowl.  Transfer to a large, airtight container.  Add the chicken pieces, turning to coat in the liquid.  Cover, and refrigerate at least 2 hours.  Overnight is better!

Heat your oven to 200 degrees.  Combine the flour, the remaining 5 teaspoons of salt, black and cayenne peppers, and the baking powder.  Place this dredging mixture in a large brown paper bag.  Shake vigorously to mix.  One at a time, place the chicken pieces in the bag, and shake to coat.  Place the coated pieces on a clean plate or tray.  Heat the vegetable shortening in two 10-inch cast-iron skillets over medium-low heat.  Using a frying thermometer to measure the temperature, bring the shortening to 375 degrees; it should be at a medium, not a rolling boil.  Use tongs to place thighs and drumsticks in skillets.  Fry until the coating is dark golden on the bottom, 10-14 minutes; then, using tongs, turn the chicken over.  Cook until the coating is dark golden, another 10-14 minutes.  An instant-read thermometer inserted into a thigh should register 170 degrees.  Drain the chicken on brown paper bags or several layers of paper toweling.  Using a slotted spoon, remove any bits of coating left in the skillets and discard.  Place the breasts and wings in the skillets.  Cook 10-14 minutes on each side.  Drain on brown paper bags or layers of paper toweling.  Store your fried chicken in matching plastic containers in your refrigerator and chill for several hours until it's really cold.  There you have it:  COLD FRIED CHICKEN.
 
 

SMOKED SALMON ROLLS

These are so easy – (don’t tell anybody!)

Spread softened cream cheese on thinly sliced smoked salmon.  Wrap this around a small stalk of celery (washed first please).  Make several of these and chill them before you want to serve them.
 
 

CHICKEN LIVER PATE

When you buy your chicken pieces for your COLD FRIED CHICKEN from your quality butcher, have him slip you in the livers.

1 ½ pounds chicken livers, trimmed
¾ cup butter, room temperature
½ cup minced onion
1 Tablespoons brandy
7 canned anchovy fillets, drained
¼ teaspoon ground allspice
¼ teaspoon ground nutmeg
1/8 teaspoon cayenne pepper
lemon slices
Watercress (Remember what you learnt about Watercress!)
Assorted crackers and baguette slices

Cook your chicken livers in a large pot of simmering salted water until they are tender and cooked through, about 10 minutes.  Drain your livers and cool them.  Melt ¼ cup butter in a heavy large skillet over medium-high heat.  Add the onion and saute until tender, about 5 minutes.  Add the brandy and bring to the boil.  Remove from the heat and cool completely.  This takes hours in your refrigerator so best to start early!

Finely grind your livers, the onion mixture, anchovies, and remaining ½ cup butter in your food processor (You should’ve bought yourself one of these several chapters ago.)  Add the allspice, nutmeg and cayenne pepper and process the mixture until it’s smooth.  Season to taste with salt and pepper.  Transfer the whole thing to a serving bowl.  Refrigerate for at least one hour.  (This can be prepared up to two days ahead but keep it refrigerated!)

Garnish your pate with lemon slices and Watercress.  Serve CHICKEN LIVER PATE with crackers and baguette slices.  The involved preparation of this, along with the COLD FRIED CHICKEN, will more than make up for those easy SMOKED SALMON ROLLS.
 

SHRIMP TOAST

12 fresh uncooked large shrimp (select Norwegian prawns)
1 egg
2 ½ Tablespoons cornstarch
¼ teaspoon salt
a pinch of pepper
3 slices of sandwich bread
1 hard-cooked egg yolk (See Chapter Two: Breakfast if you’ve forgot how to achieve a hard yolk.)
1 slice cooked ham
1 green onion
2 cups vegetable oil

Remove the shells from the shrimp, leaving their tails intact.  (Your hubby can be entrusted with this part if you instruct him how to do it properly beforehand.  But watch he doesn’t detach the tails!  Richard isn’t always as careful with delicate preparations as one would wish.) Remove the back veins from the shrimp.  Cut down the back of the shrimp with a sharp knife.  Gently press the shrimp with your fingers to flatten them.  Beat 1 egg, the cornstarch, salt and pepper in a small bowl until blended.

Add the shrimp to the egg mixture and toss until the shrimp are completely coated.  Remove crusts from the bread.  Cut each slice into quarters.  Place one shrimp, cut side down, on each bread piece.  Gently press the shrimp to adhere to the bread.  Brush or rub a small amount of egg mixture over each shrimp.

Cut the egg yolk and ham into ½ inch pieces.  Finely chop the onion.  Place one piece each of egg yolk and ham and a scant ¼ teaspoon chopped onion on each shrimp.

Heat oil in a shallow pan over medium-high heat until it reaches 375 degrees.  Fry 3 or 4 shrimp-bread pieces at a time in the hot oil until golden, 1-2 minutes on each side.  Drain on absorbent paper.
 

BELVOIR CRUMPETS

6 ounces Stilton cheese, crumbled
1 ounce butter, softened
1 Tablespoon port
1 Tablespoon yoghurt
1 ounce mixed nuts, chopped
8 crumpets (Buy these at the Wholesome Bakery; by this time one hopes they will have learnt something)
8 walnut halves, for garnish
stuffed olives, for garnish
fresh parsley, chopped, also for garnish.  You can never have too much garnish!

Now.  Here’s what you do with all of this:  Combine the cheese and butter.  Stir in the port, yoghurt and mixed nuts.  Toast one side of each crumpet.  Spread the cheese mixture onto the untoasted side of the crumpets and grill them until the cheese mixture is bubbling.  Remove them and garnish each one with walnuts, olives and parsley.  These should be served hot so you will either want to make them at the last possible minute, or you will have to re-heat them ever so slightly after your guests arrive.
 

CHERRY TOMATOES WITH CUCUMBER STUFFING

12 cherry tomatoes
1 cucumber, seeded and finely chopped
¼ cup sour cream
¼ cup cream cheese, softened
¾ teaspoon dillweed
¾ teaspoon minced fresh parsley
¼ teaspoon (quality!) hot pepper sauce (not the sort found in a Public House)
pinch of white pepper
pinch of salt

Slice off the tops of the cherry tomatoes and scoop out the pulp (a melon-ball maker is ideal for this).  Combine the cucumber with the remaining ingredients.  Mix well.  Fill the cherry tomatoes with the cucumber mixture.  HINT:  Fill a pastry bag fitted with a decorative tip with the cucumber mixture and pipe it into the hollowed-out cherry tomato.  Chill these well before serving.
 

MINIATURE CHEESE BALLS

One 8-ounce package of cream cheese, softened
1 cup minced celery
salt and pepper
½ cup chopped parsley

Combine the cream cheese and celery.  Season to taste with the salt and pepper.  Roll the mixture into 1 inch balls and roll these in the chopped parsley.  Skewer them with toothpicks and chill well.  These are even easier than the SMOKED SALMON ROLLS!
 

SUMMER and/or AUTUMN PUDDING

1 1/2 lbs prepared fruit (I’ll tell you how to do this in a minute)
5 Tablespoons water
6-8 large slices of bread with the crusts removed
4 ounces of sugar
fresh fruit and mint sprigs to decorate

HINT:  The fruit for SUMMER PUDDING is typically a mixture of some or all of the following:  raspberries, strawberries, stoned cherries, red currants, black currants, gooseberries, and rhubarb.  For AUTUMN PUDDING, use a mixture of apples, blackberries, plums and pears.

Peel, stone, core, and chop the fruit as required according to type. Gently stew the fruit in the water and sugar until the fruit is soft but still retains its individual shape.  While the stewing is going on, cut a round from one slice of bread to neatly fit the bottom of a 2 pint pudding basin and cut 4-6 of the remaining slices into neat fingers.  Arrange the fingers around the sides of the basin, overlapping them so there are no open spaces.  When the fruit is cooked, and still hot, pour it (gently!) into the basin, being careful not to dislodge the bread pieces.  Reserve about 3 Tablespoons of the juice.  When the basin is full, cut the remaining bread and use it to cover the fruit and form a lid.  Cover the whole thing with foil, then a plate or saucer which fits just inside the bowl and put a weight on top.  Leave the pudding out on your work surface until cold, then put it into the refrigerator and chill it over night.  (Best to put a note on it, as my Sheridan is a brilliant boy but he does tend to like sampling fruit pudding before it’s quite ready!)

To serve, carefully run a knife round the edge of the pudding to loosen it, then invert the pudding onto a serving dish.  Pour the reserved juice over the top.  Serve the pudding cold with cream and decorate with fruit and mint sprigs.
 

There.  You’ve just produced what will arguably be the highlight of the municipal year in your little town – at least it will be amongst upscale Garden Centre Circles:  THE EXCLUSIVE OUTDOORS-INDOORS LUXURY BARBECUE WITH FINGER BUFFET.

HINT:  you may serve sherry with this BARBECUE (See Chapter Eleven: A FINAL WORD ON ENTERTAINING – ‘When it’s all right to substitute the sherry decanter for the tea pot’)
 
 

The Well-Planned Country Cottage Affair

Once you’ve treated your special friends to an Exclusive Outdoors-Indoors Luxury Barbecue with Finger Buffet (and Celebrity Guest of Honour!) you will not be able to top it.  So it’s no good trying to do so.  However, if, like myself, you’ve got a wealthy sister (Violet: large house, sauna, room for a pony) then the next best thing is to borrow her country cottage at the weekend and invite your guests there for The Well-Planned Country Cottage Affair.

    Richard and I accomplished this for ourselves and with only a modicum of fanfare, as is our wont (or we would have done had not our neighbours turned out enmasse to bid us adieu.) WHAT a lovely sendoff they gave us!  As I told my Richard, "We must never move, dear.  Our neighbours would miss us so!"  I shall relate The Buckets’ experience of organising The Well-Planned Country Cottage Affair and then you can let that be your guide.

    But first:  a tiny word of advice about TIMING, if I may. I hope you remember what you learnt about TIMING already (See Chapter Three: COFFEE and Chapter Five: TEA). But those lessons, as important as they are, are elementary compared to the TIMING of The Better-Class Barbecue. I am, as anyone who knows me will testify, a caring daughter.  And as busy as I am with my myriad of charitable duties, my father’s welfare is paramount.  I worry about Daddy constantly.  Well I worry about all the family, but I worry most of all about Daddy, who lives with my sister Daisy and her unfortunate husband Onslow (see page 63 of this book, "What not to do in the presence of expensive wallpaper").

    Anyway, there's no need to go into all of that here.  We were discussing TIMING:  Neither Daisy nor Onslow gives any consideration to Daddy’s appetite, at least in terms of his craving for haute cuisine cookery, so I always make it a point to include that noble old man in the festivities at The Buckets whenever the occasion warrants it, normally once a year on Daddy’s birthday (See Chapter Seven: The Ordinary Family Supper) and at any other social entertainment where it is safe to include a Daddy.  Warning: This is where the all-important consideration of TIMING becomes a factor to the success of your social entertainments.  Because if you’re going to invite your special friends to The Well-Planned Country Cottage Affair you’ll want to ensure they arrive after your father (and his escorts) have left.  Daddy tends to become overwrought in the presence of important guests.  So invite your father for a tea time Barbecue and then he’ll be back at home in his own bed before your other guests even think of coming.

    As far as your accoutrements, it goes without saying you’ll want to take a few of your objets d’art as well as your very own set of quality crystal glassware, particularly if you’ve a brother-in-law like Bruce who favours glasses engraved with naked ladies.  Bruce does have such an odd sense of humour.  But he is a Rotarian so I’m sure he can be forgiven his little quirks of personality.

    The Well-Planned Country Cottage Affair is ideal for musical entertainment!  At Bruce and Violet’s cottage, Richard and I love cranking up the victrola for a little sedate glide round the room after the cocktail hour and before the Barbecue itself commences.  If you’re lucky, you’ll have a Manor House nearby and a suitable couple like our dear friends Bunty and Dorian, who'll want to drop by for a quick tango and a conga line before dinner.  And if music is not enough to amuse your special guests (hard to imagine, I know – but it sometimes occurs that one of them suffers from a tin ear) do like I do and have your photo albums of Sheridan handy with which to delight one and all!

Here is the recipe I used to entertain Bunty.  (Dorian entertained himself.)

THE PERFECT MARTINI (shaken not stirred!)

1 ½ ounces gin
½ ounc dry vermouth
½ ounce sweet vermouth
3 or 4 ice cubes
olives

Combine all the ingredients (except for the olives) in a cocktail shaker and shake with rapid little movements and a quick flick of the wrist in a ladylike manner.  Strain into a well-chilled cocktail glass and garnish with an olive on a pick.  These are really quite tasty!  Bunty and I liked them very much.
 
 

I’m afraid we so enjoyed the cocktails and dancing we never quite got round to dinner.  But that’s all right. I'm sure there’ll be other times.
 
 
 

Merry England Barbecue

This is one Barbecue I’ve never actually got round to giving.  But I’ve had it planned for ages!  And so you, my dear Readers, and I – Hyacinth Bucket – shall do it together.  Won't it be fun! I originally conceived the Merry England Barbecue whilst contemplating cozy charismatic country cottages.  I said to Richard as we drove to the estate agents’, ‘Richard!  Just picture me:  Hyacinth Bucket.  I shall be a beacon of social respectability lighting up the rural wilderness for miles around.’  Richard said the prospect was blinding.  My husband has his little annoying habits and faults but one thing I’ll say for Richard:  he never fails to see my point of view once I've explained it all properly.

You can have anything you like for your Merry England Barbecue.  But just be sure and include my FLAKY PRUNE SURPRISE (!) one-bite canapes for Cowherds and Shepherds.  (See Chapter Four:  Lunch).  No need to adapt the recipe you used for your Pre-Luncheon Canapes and Cocktail Hour in order to make it suitable for Cowherds and Shepherds.  They won’t know the difference anyway.  And no need to limit them to three of your FLAKY PRUNE SURPRISE (!) one-bite canapes either.  Country folk have iron clad constitutions. (Many of them are still eating raw meat!)
 
 

Casual Dining Alfresco:  The Bon Vivant Buffet with Alfresco Munchiettes

Now we have come to the ultimate in the outdoor Barbecue.  I think, at this critical juncture, we ought to take a break and fortify ourselves with a nice cup of tea before we venture forth with this grand social occasion.  (See Chapter Five:  TEA).

{Richard?  Are you awake, dear?  Time for Tea!  Yes, it’s all right.  I think we need a little refresher – we’ve got lots to do ahead of us yet this afternoon.  Go along out into the kitchen now and make us a nice cup of Earl Grey, won’t you.}

Richard thinks I don’t know he’s been dozing off through the last two and a half chapters.  But it’s just as well.  He only distracts me from the task at hand anyway.  Men can be impossible sometimes.  But they’re wonderful when it's time to put the kettle on.

{Oooops!  Back already, dear?  Oh how nice.  You’ve brought us each a little mince pie with our Tea.  No, not now, Richard.  I couldn’t enjoy a glass of Sherry, not when I’m mentally attuned to Casual Dining Alfresco!  Good heavens.  Whatever next.}

(See Chapter Eleven:  A FINAL WORD ON ENTERTAINING – ‘When it’s all right to substitute the sherry decanter for the tea pot.)
 

I invented my Bon Vivant Buffet with Alfresco Munchiettes for my sister Violet’s benefit.  She’s so at loose ends, poor girl.  My brother-in-law Bruce buys her everything!  She has a large house, a sauna, a musical bidet (it plays only classical of course) and room for a pony.  What more could any girl want than this?  I’m afraid I spoilt her when she was growing up.  But like my sister Daisy, Violet has too much time on her hands. But at least Violet has something to polish, which is more than can be said for Daisy.  Anyway, I decided what Violet really needs is a little social entertaining inserted into her wealthy lifestyle.  So I invited a few of my select friends over to Violet’s for a casual outdoor dining experience for which I developed a menu that is, in its own simple way, an elegant gastronomic delight. Brace yourself!

{No, Richard, I don’t mean you.  I was talking to my Readers.  Try and have a little decorum, dear. You’ve been through it before, Richard.}
 
 

Now do you see why we took that little tea break?  (We’ll have the Sherry “after”).  (See Chapter Eleven: A FINAL WORD ON ENTERTAINING  -- When its all right to substitute the sherry decanter for the tea pot).

Whilst you’re cooking for your Bon Vivant Buffet with Alfresco Munchiettes you may wish to have your hubby put some recordings on so you can have music while you work.  And then you’ll have some well-memorised selections for your musical entertainments.  My special guests so enjoy my own unique “Sing for your Supper”, a speciality of mine, based on a party game originally conceived by King Henry VIII.  You may add musical selections of your own choosing to this list but the following are songs I use and they are all “musts”:

And now we’ve got our music playing, our aprons on, our oven alight and our faces all aglow, let us commence producing The Bon Vivant Buffet with Alfresco Munchiettes!
 

CAVIAR (buy this of course; it comes in a tin)
Remove it from the tin and serve it in a cut glass dish on a bed of ice with toast points encircled round and perhaps a tiny bit of hard-cooked egg atop each.
 

QUAILS' EGGS WITH OLIVE PASTE

12 quail’s eggs
¼ cup bottled black olive paste
24 drained bottled capers, patted dry
thyme branches

In a saucepan, cover the eggs with cold water and bring the water just to the boil.  Simmer the eggs for 5 minutes.  Pour out the water, add cold water to the pan, and let the eggs cool until they can be handled.  Shell the eggs carefully and halve them lengthwise.  Spoon a small dollop of the olive paste onto each egg half, top the olive paste with a caper, and arrange the egg halves on a platter lined with the thyme branches.  Garnish the egg halves with the thyme sprigs.
 

QUAILS' EGGS WITH TOASTED SESAME SALT
(These are a different sort of Quails' Eggs – it's always nice to have a “variety”)

¾ cup sesame seeds
1 teaspoon coarse salt
48 quail’s eggs

Preheat your oven to 350 degrees.  In a baking pan, spread the sesame seeds evenly and toast them, stirring once halfway through the toasting process, until they are deep golden, about 12 minutes.  Cool the seeds and in a food processor (you’ve got one by now I believe) pulse them with the salt until the seeds are coarsely ground.  You have just made “sesame salt”.  In a saucepan, boil the quail’s eggs as you did for the QUAILS' EGGS WITH OLIVE PASTE.  Only once you’ve got your eggs boiled, all you do is peel them and serve them with the sesame salt. What could be easier?!  (Sheridan’s very suitable friend Tarquin simply raves over these!)
 

SALMON PARCELS WITH BLACK CHERRY AND KIRSCH SAUCE

Four 6-ounce salmon fillets
1 lb puff pastry
2 eggs
One 8-ounce tin of black cherries
6 ounces of sugar
1 Tablespoon of vinegar
1 teaspoon of cornstarch
1 measure of Kirsch
salt and pepper

Roll out the pastry (you’ve bought this and keep it on hand for emergencies such as this, remember?) until 1/8 inch thick.  Wrap the seasoned salmon in the pastry and glaze the parcel with the beaten egg.  Bake for 20 minutes at 375 degrees.  Place the cherries in a pan; add the sugar and vinegar.  Bring to the boil and then thicken slightly with the cornstarch.  When the salmon is ready, add the kirsch to the berries.  Serve the salmon onto a warmed platter and serve the cherry sauce on the side in a little boat.
 

BACON AND CREAM CHEESE STUFFED MUSHROOMS

8 ounces of cream cheese, softened
4-6 strips of bacon, fried and crumbled (reserve the drippings)
1 small onion, finely chopped
20-25 large mushrooms, stems removed
about 8 mushroom stems, finely chopped

Saute the onion and mushroom stems in the bacon drippings until tender.  Drain off the excess fat.  Mix the crumbled bacon, onion and stems with the softened cream cheese until the mixture is workable.  Stuff each mushroom with the cream cheese mixture and bake at 350 degrees for 10-15 minutes.  Finish under the broiler just until the tops are golden.

(These are favourites with our Vicar and so, if you have one you should make it a point to serve BACON AND CREAM CHEESE STUFFED MUSHROOMS to him.)
 

WENSLEYDALE FRUIT SALAD

6 ounces Wensleydale cheese, cubed
3 ounces raisins
3 ounces walnuts or pecans
3 stalks of celery, sliced
3 ounces red seedless grapes, halved
KIWI FRUIT (Here it is -- this is where you use it!) sliced and halved
3 ½ ounces strawberries, halved
¼ pint sour cream
2 Tablespoons lemon juice
½ teaspoon Worcestershire sauce
Chicory leaves

Mix the cheese, raisins, nuts, celery, grapes, KIWI FRUIT, and strawberries together in a bowl.  Mix the sour cream, lemon juice and Worcestershire sauce together in another bowl.  Pour the sour cream mixture over the cheese mixture and toss gently to coat.  Serve WENSLEYDALE FRUIT SALAD on a bed of chicory leaves.

It goes without saying you won’t want to invite that awful Lydia Hawksworth to partake of your KIWI FRUIT.  In fact, the woman shouldn’t even be in your Guest Book!
 

SALAMAGUNDI (for the really advanced cook who is very artistic!)

One 5-lb duckling
One 4 ½ lb chicken
Carrots, 1 lb pound cut into ¼ inch batons
Potatoes, 1 lb, peeled
¼ pint vegetable oil
5 Tablespoons lemon juice
Mustard powder – just a pinch
Sugar – another little pinch
Peas, 1 lb, shelled and cooked
A cucumber, sliced
8 ounces tomatoes, thinly sliced
4 stalks celery, thinly sliced
4 hard-boiled eggs (these are optional but I always like to use them)
Mayonnaise (again, this is optional, but if you want to be like me, you’ll use it!)
Slices of stuffed olives and radishes (for garnish)

Now.  Have you all your comestibles assembled and ready?  All right then.  Here we go!

Pre-heat your oven to 400 degrees.  Weigh your duckling.  Prick the skin of your duckling all over with a sharp fork.  Place it breast-side down on a rack in a roasting tin.  Roast your duckling in the top of the oven, basting occasionally, for 20 minutes per pound.

Weigh your chicken.  Place your chicken in a shallow roasting tin and roast below your duckling on the lowest shelf of your oven for 20 minutes per pound plus an extra 20 minutes beyond that.  Cool both your duckling and your chicken for 1-2 hours until cool enough to handle.

Make a slit along each side of the breast bone of both your duckling and your chicken.  Remove and discard the skin.  Carefully remove all the flesh from the carcasses and cut the flesh of the birds into thin strips about 2 inches long.

Cook the carrots in boiling water for 8 minutes until just tender.  Drain and rinse them in cold water.  Cook the potatoes in boiling water for 15 minutes until tender.  Drain and leave them to cool, then dice them finely.

Make the dressing by whisking the oil, lemon juice, mustard and sugar together.

Choose a large oval platter for making up your SALMAGUNDI:  Place the potatoes and peas in the bottom of the dish to give a flat base.  Arrange the carrot strips with a layer of cucumber on top, following the oval shape of the platter.  (Your platter should be an oval one.)  Pour over this a little of the dressing.  Next, arrange another layer of carrot and cucumber slightly inside the first layer so that it may be easily seen.  Top all this with more layers of chicken, peas, tomato slices, celery, and duckling.  Make each layer smaller than the previous layer so that the lowest layers can all be seen.  Sprinkle each layer with dressing.  Continue layering until all the ingredients are used up.  Now shell and halve the eggs, top each half with a little mayonnaise.  Garnish with a few radish slices and stuffed olives, and arrange them around the edge of the dish.

I always have such fun making SALMAGUNDI!  So I hope you’ve enjoyed it too.
 

Now here’s where your husband will come in handy, if you’ve got one.  Men always look so well with chef’s hat and apron on, spatula in hand and poised over the grill.
 

MIXED GRILL

4 lamb chops, trimmed
4 lambs’ kidneys, skinned, halved, and cored
4 small steaks
4 small gammon steaks
4 pork sausages
melted butter
salt and freshly ground black pepper
4 tomatoes
large mushrooms
Watercress

Have your hubby prepare the charcoal grill and heat it to its hottest whilst you brush the chops, kidney halves, and steaks with melted butter and season with salt and pepper.  (Men are good at grilling but they don’t know the first thing about proper seasoning).

Now, have your husband place the chops, kidneys, sausages and gammon on the grill and cook for about 5-7 minutes each side.  Have him add the steaks, allowing about 3-5 minutes per side for rare to medium-rare, depending upon thickness.  (You’ll have to judge this.  Don’t trust your husband with so important a task as judging thickness versus time.  Richard's good with numbers but he's not an Einstein.)

When all the meats are done (check them yourself and be certain) have your husband remove them to a very hot plate where he will keep them warm until they’re required.  Brush the tomatoes and mushrooms with melted butter and have your hubby grill them for about 5 minutes.  Then you can arrange the whole thing on the hot plate and garnish with Watercress!
 

MAPLE BARBECUED CHICKEN

4 skinless chicken thighs
3 Tablespoons maple syrup
3 Tablespoons chili sauce
1 Tablespoon cider vinegar
1 Tablespoon canola oil
2 teaspoons Dijon mustard

Your grill will still be hot.  So all you have to do is combine the syrup, chili sauce, vinegar, and mustard together in a saucepan.  Let this mixture simmer for 5 minutes.  Brush the chicken with the oil and season it with salt and pepper.  Have your hubby place the chicken on the grill and cook it for 10-15 minutes until fork tender.  (You do the forking; husbands haven’t a clue when it comes to knowing about ‘fork tender’.)  Be sure he turns the chicken occasionally whist it’s grilling and he should brush it generously with sauce.  If your husband’s like my Richard, you may trust he’ll be generous with the sauce.  This is one thing about which you will not have to check up after to see that he's done it properly.
 

GRILLED BURGERS WITH MUSHROOMS AND ONIONS

1 pound ground beef
3 Tablespoons finely chopped onion
3 Tablespoons water
¾ teaspoon salt
1/8 teaspoon pepper

Mix the ground beef, onion, water, salt and pepper.  Shape the mixture into patties, each about ¾ inch thick.  Have your hubby grill them 5-7 minutes on each side for medium whilst you prepare the MUSHROOMS AND ONIONS.
 

MUSHROOMS AND ONIONS

1 medium onion, thinly sliced
1 Tablespoon butter
One 4 ounce tin mushroom stems and pieces, drained
½ teaspoon Worcestershire sauce

Cook the onion in the butter over medium heat, stirring occasionally, until tender.  Stir in the mushrooms and Worcestershire sauce; heat until the mushrooms are hot.  When the burgers are done, spoon the MUSHROOMS AND ONIONS over.
 

Isn’t this fun – cooking together with your husband?  Richard and I love it!
 

CHEESEBURGERS

1 lb ground beef
4 slices Cheddar cheese
4 hamburger buns
4 lettuce leaves
1 tomato, sliced
1 red onion, sliced

The grill will still be hot – but be sure your hubby doesn't let it get too hot!  And be very careful where you place your signs for your musical entertainments!!

Form the meat into one patty per serving.  Season with salt and pepper to taste.  Grill 3-4 minutes per side for medium done meat.  Immediately place cheese slice on burger and place on bun.  Top with remaining ingredients.  (You’d best take charge of all but the grilling portion of this procedure to ensure a uniform result.)
 

SPECIAL BURGERS  (The Major’s Favourite!)

If you’ve invited a Major to your Bon Vivant Buffet with Alfresco Munchiettes, you must make these SPECIAL BURGERS.  He won’t leave you alone till you do.  Trust me.  (These are also Onslow’s favourites but that is not something we’ll worry about in this chapter.  (See Chapter Eleven: A FINAL WORD ON ENTERTAINING (for the Socially Unfortunate).

2 lbs lean ground round
1 packet dry onion soup mix
½ cup water
1 teaspoon hot sauce
¾ cup bread crumbs (you only need to use these if you’ve got an Onslow on the premises as the addition of bread crumbs will extend the meat into larger portions.  If you’re grilling for a Major, there’s no need to bother as he’s not there for the food anyway even if they are his favourites.)
Hickory chips soaked in Worcestershire and water one hour or more

Combine the food ingredients in a large mixing bowl and mix well.
Roll the mixture into patties, making roughly about 12-14 patties, depending on size and thickness desired (which varies  as I instructed you above, according to the size of your guests). Have your hubby spread the Worcestershire and water soaked Hickory chips over the already hot coals and wait until they flame up.  Then he can grill your SPECIAL BURGERS to the desired state: rare for Onslow – the man has absolutely no appreciation for the time it takes haute cuisine cookery to reach a state of perfection; and ‘well done’ for The Major, as he will be the first to tell you when he sees them – just watch his eyes light up at your approach!

You should pop these SPECIAL BURGERS between the halves of a sesame seed bun with plenty of lettuce, tomatoes, onions, and pickles on.
 

GRILLED BRATWURST

This is my sister Rose’s absolutely all-time favourite dish, after fried bread.  (We had that at breakfast, remember?  See Chapter Two: Breakfast).  She thinks GRILLED BRATWURST on hard rolls reminds her of Mr Helliwell for some reason.  I make this for Rose, exclusively.  She is my sister and I love her dearly.  Once a year on her birthday.  Onslow likes GRILLED BRATWURST too, but I doubt it’s for the meat.

6 Bratwursts
1 12 ounce can of beer (Have your hubby borrow you one from an Onslow.  And don't worry -- you won't know you've put it in once it’s cooked through!)
1 medium onion, chopped
6 peppercorns
4 cloves
6 hard rolls

In a large pot, combine all the ingredients – except the hard rolls!  Simmer for 20 minutes.  Your hubby’s been keeping your grill hot (one hopes).  So now you remove the bratwursts from the pot and place them on the grill where hubby can keep watch for about 10 minutes, turning them occasionally.  He should grill these until they are brown.  Tell him to sprinkle them with water and they will form a crispy skin.  Once you’ve put them into their hard rolls, you may top with a little of your (or Rose’s) favourite mustard.  If you have a Rose at your Barbecue, you’ll have to ask her what her favourite mustard is as it changes from week to week.  Rose is so fickle.  The poor girl's all full of hormones.
 

GRILLED CORN ON THE COB

This is the only vegetable you’ll want to come between your hubby and the grill.

8 ears corn in husks

Peel back the corn husks carefully, without breaking them off, and discard the silks.  (Be sure and discard them properly – well out of sight!  My Sheridan once used discarded cornsilks to set the potting shed on fire, singlehandedly and with one match.)  Fold the husks back into place and tie the ends together with strips of outer husk or kitchen string.  (The outer husks make for a more rustic appearance but the kitchen string instills a feeling of reassurance amongst your special guests).  In large bowls, cover the corn with cold water and soak it for 10 minutes.  Drain the corn and have your hubby grill it – the rack should be set 5 or 6 inches above the glowing coals.  Make sure he turns the corn occasionally, and have him grill it for 15 minutes.
 

Now the grilling’s over and done with you can relax a little bit and go back to your normal food preparation to round out the menu for your Bon Vivant Buffet with Alfresco Munchiettes.
 

SIMPLE SLAW

1 small head cabbage
¼ cup cider vinegar
¼ cup mayonnaise
1 Tablespoon sugar
½ Tablespoon black pepper
1 teaspoon salt

Chop the cabbage finely.  Mix the other ingredients in a large bowl.  Add the cabbage and toss.  That’s all there is to it!  Isn’t this a welcome rest from all that grilling?
 

NEW POTATO SALAD

1 ½ lbs new potatoes
2 hard-boiled eggs, yolks only
cayenne pepper ( a large pinch)
1 teaspoon caster sugar
¼ teaspoon anchovy essence
1 Tablespoon herb vinegar
5 ounces double cream
fresh chives, snipped for garnish

Cook the potatoes in their skins in boiling water for 10-15 minutes, until tender.  Mash the egg yolks, cayenne pepper and sugar to a paste with the anchovy essence, vinegar and 1 teaspoon of the cold water.  Stir in the cream.  When the potatoes are cooked, drain them thoroughly and toss with the dressing.  Serve warm or cold, garnished with the snipped chives.
 

HOMITY PIE

7 ounces plain flour
1 teaspoons baking powder
3 ½ ounces butter
¾ lbs. potatoes
1 lb. onions
3 Tablespoons oil
1 ounce butter
½ ounce fresh parsley, chopped
4 ounces cheese, grated
1 Tablespoon milk
salt and pepper, to taste

First make the pastry:  Sift the flour and baking powder into a bowl, then rub the butter into the flour.  Mix in enough water (about 3 Tablespoons) to make a stiff dough.  Roll out the pastry and use it to line an 8 inch flan tin.

Boil or steam the potatoes until tender.  Chop the onions, then fry them gently in the oil until very soft.  Combine the potatoes with the onions.  Add the butter, parsley, half of the cheese, and the milk.  Mix and season well to taste.  Let the mixture cool, then use it to fill the flan tin.  Sprinkle with the remaining cheese.

Bake in your oven at 425 degrees for 20 minutes.

My sister Daisy begs me to make HOMITY PIE for her and so I do it every chance I can.  She is family and I know my duty, even if I did spoil her growing up by serving HOMITY PIE at too many family suppers.
 

I hope you’ve saved room for the Sweet!

DAMSON AND APPLE TANSY

Cox’s Orange Pippin apples, 2 large ones, peeled, cored, and thinly sliced
8 ounces Damson plums, halved, stoned, and quartered
butter
1 ounce sugar
a pinch of ground cloves
a pinch of ground cinnamon
4 eggs, separated
3 Tablespoons sour cream – (or if you’ve got a nervous neighbour like Elizabeth on your guest list, you may like substituting yoghurt as it calms her down and saves your fine china.)

Put the apples, damsons, butter and half the sugar into a large frying pan.  Cook them over a gentle heat until the fruit is softened, stirring continuously.  Stir in the spices and then remove the fruit from the heat.  Beat in the egg yolks with the cream and stir this mixture into the fruit.  Whisk the egg whites until stiff, then carefully fold them into the fruit mixture.  Cook the whole thing over a low heat until the mixture has set.  Sprinkle the top with the remaining sugar, then brown it under a hot grill.  Serve DAMSON AND APPLE TANSY immediately, straight from the pan, with sour cream – or, as instructed above, with yoghurt.
 

OLD-FASHIONED SUGARED BISCUITS

1/3 cup lard
½ stick unsalted butter, melted and cooled
1 cup sugar plus additional for coating the biscuits
1 large egg
1 teaspoon vanilla
2 cups all-purpose flour
2 teaspoons baking soda
¾ teaspoon salt

In a large bowl, stir together the lard, butter, 1 cup of the sugar, the egg, and the vanilla.  Into the bowl, sift together the flour, the baking soda, and the salt, and stir the mixture until it forms a dough.  Chill the dough, covered, for at least 2 hours or overnight.

Preheat your oven to 375 degrees.  Roll rounded Tablespoons of the dough into balls; roll the balls in the additional sugar, coating them completely, and arrange them 3 inches apart on lightly greased baking tins.  Flatten the balls with the bottom of a glass dipped in the sugar (the edges will crack slightly but that’s all right – that’s how they are) and bake the biscuits in batches in the middle of your oven for 8-12 minutes, or until they are pale golden.  Transfer the biscuits to racks and let them cool.  The biscuits will keep in an airtight container for one week – IF you can keep your family from stealing them away when you aren’t looking!
 

And last but not least – The Savoury.

ANGELS ON HORSEBACK

A tiny word of Warning:  I stopped serving these once I had Sheridan as I told Richard, ‘I will not raise Sheridan in a Continental atmosphere.’  Richard agreed, of course, as any responsible husband and father would.  However, I found that any time I served ANGELS ON HORSEBACK, they seemed to cause a return of French Habits to The Bucket Residence. There seems to be something in them that Richard's allergic to.  So.  Forewarned is forarmed.  These are only to be served for the most special of special  occasions.  Still, they are quite safe for my Bon Vivant Buffet with Alfresco Munchiettes as I always invite the Vicar.

Oysters, 24 of them, removed from their shells
Streaky bacon rashers, 12, rinded
Toast, 12 small slices
Butter, enough to butter the toast
Watercress, 1 bunch (Send your husband out foraging for this upon the grass verges as it’ll use up any excess energy he may have been storing surreptitiously during the grilling portion of your Bon Vivant Buffet with Alfresco Munchiettes.)

Whilst your hubby's away, preheat your oven to 400 degrees.  Stretch the bacon so that it doesn’t shrink when it’s cooked.  Use the back of a knife for this.  Cut each rasher in half.  Wrap a piece of bacon round each oyster.  Place them on a baking tin.  Keep them packed up tight so that they don’t unravel.  Bake for about 8 minutes.  Butter the toast.  Arrange 2 angels on each piece of toast and garnish the dish with the watercress – once your husband returns with it.  Sit him down at the table with a cup of Tea (See Chapter Five: TEA) and a plate of your OLD-FASHIONED SUGARED BISCUITS to take his mind off things.

There you are.  You have come from the most elegant of indoor Barbecues through each progressive sort of outdoors-indoors, town and country type Barbecue to the ultimate –  as they say, Mother of all Barbecues!  Hyacinth Bucket's Bon Vivant Buffet with Alfresco Munchiettes.

Be proud, Dears.  With a BETTER-CLASS BARBECUE like this, you will – as I am -- be the talk of the town!

Now, read on – if you dare – and we shall take what in less capable hands would otherwise be a very primitive meal -- “The Picnic” --  to the absolute pinnacle of respectability!  Turn the page for Chapter Nine: Picnics.